The Questions Every Parent Should Ask Themselves Before Mediation

Preparing for family mediation can sometimes be a daunting task. What you are going through is tough and we understand that sometimes there is stress and heightened emotions which can make it difficult to think clearly.

As mediators, we take on the role of facilitating the conversation between you, the parents. You are the best people to decide on the future of your children and our role is to help the conversation take place. Mediators are there to help that process in a way that is neutral and impartial. We don’t take sides and we can’t advocate on your behalf.

What helps the mediation process is if you are putting the children first in parenting decisions. It can be hard to separate your own needs from those of the children, so I’ve prepared some questions to keep the kids in mind.

For the purpose of this exercise, I will use a case study of Sally and Rob who have two girls who are 8 and 10. Sally has been offered a new job and she is has asked for mediation to formalise a parenting plan. Rob has been unable to understand why they can’t continue with the flexible agreement they have. He works shift work and needs flexibility.

1. What outcome do I want from this, and why? 

Sally wants a parenting routine which has set days to accommodate her new job. This is so she can earn some extra income to support herself and the children.

Sally has been finding it stressful that she never knows when Rob will have the children in advance. She will not be able to accept the new job if this can’t be formalised.

Rob doesn’t want things to change. His employer has refused set working hours in the past and he will risk losing his job. This will naturally impact him, and therefore his capacity to pay child support.

Being able to explain or articulate ‘why’ you hold the position you do will help each of you, and the mediator, to understand.

2. Am I being child focused and if so, how? 

Sally is trying to provide a better, more stable financial future for she and the children.

Before the children were born, the couple had decided that Sally would be a stay at home Mum, while Rob worked to provide for the family. They made this decision based on what they felt was best for the kids. Rob still believes this is what is best.

Sally’s desire to work is child-focused when viewed in isolation, however, their previous decisions were also made with the children in mind. Working out what’s best for the children, now there is a new family structure, is the challenge for the couple to work through in mediation. Being child focused can mean many different things.

3. What will the impact on the other parent be?

When Sally thinks about Rob’s employment, she understands that his shift work presents the main conflict. Rob has always been able to work and have the freedom to see the kids whenever he has days off. However, this is no longer going to work as Sally’s work hours will be set.

Sally feels like it’s time for her, and while she understands this will impact Rob, she feels she is entitled to work and wants to take up this opportunity. Sally wants Rob to understand this isn’t just about him.

Rob is concerned that he won’t get to see the children as often, and he feels this isn’t best for the kids. He is distressed at this thought as he misses them living with him full time and it’s already very difficult for him. He can understand Sally wants to work but he doesn’t agree this is best. Rob wants Sally to understand this isn’t just about her.

Considering the other parent can be a challenge because it requires you to take a bigger picture perspective. Your mediator doesn’t expect you to be an expert at this. However, when both parents feel heard, you are more likely to reach an agreement. Your children want both of you to be stable and happy. So with this in mind, being considerate of the other parent is being child-focused.

4. What will the impact on the children be? 

Sally is worried about their financial security and so although she realises there will be some disruptions, she considers this to be most important.

Rob is concerned that he will not have as much time with the children and that ultimately this is not in their best interests. He feels Sally should get a job that can work around his hours until the children are much older.

Both parents agree that the children love spending time with each of them and Sally knows they will be sad at losing precious time with their dad.

The children’s experience of parenting decisions can sometimes get forgotten. Of course, they are children and they have to adapt. However, after parental separation, they have already experienced significant changes and it helps them if they know they are being considered in decision making.

5. What are the possible alternatives? 

When Sally initiated mediation, she had not considered alternatives. For her, the only decision was that Rob would have to make sacrifices and she hoped the mediator would help him to see that.

Rob was also stuck in his position of expecting Sally to stay home or get a job to work around his.

The mediation was at an impasse.

When Rob realised that this was important to Sally he started to think of alternatives to spend more quality time with the children in the holidays. Sally agreed this would be worth discussing. Rob also suggested that his parents would like more time with the children, and perhaps he and the children could all stay there when he is working. This opened up a whole new conversation with options.

When the focus shifts to alternatives it can ease the tension. Parenting disputes can often get stuck in opposing positions. However, when each parent is willing to negotiate and to consider alternatives, the conversation can shift toward one which is solution-focused and resolution is possible.

6. What will happen if we can’t agree?

Try as we might, mediators can’t wave a magic wand. Family mediators are there to facilitate the conversation, but they can’t force the two of you to resolve the dispute. So it’s beneficial to consider what will happen next if you can’t agree.

Sometimes it’s not a single issue as in this example. Equally, alternatives aren’t always easily discussed.

When parents can’t agree they sometimes initiate the court process to have the disputes resolved in court. This requires careful consideration as it is both time consuming and costly and may not result in the outcome you want.

Before entering into mediation it is beneficial to consider what will happen if you can’t agree. In family mediation, if the court is the only other option, the potential emotional impact and financial drain on the family may not necessarily be in the children’s best interest.

This is one example only and you may have very different issues. Try writing down your own answers to these questions before your mediation, or when trying to come to an agreement with your co-parent.

Co-parenting at Christmas: What your children really want you to know

Christmas and birthdays are the most important days in a child’s calendar. When you are little, a rotation around the sun takes ‘like’ FOREVER! Just ask any 5-year-old. You’re a parent. I’m sure this isn’t news to you.

Many families have an agreement for alternating years with each parent for Christmas Day. For those who have families in country areas or other cities, this allows you to travel if you need. For other separated couples who haven’t managed to put aside their differences, alternating Christmas is just the way it is. It is widely viewed as the fairest way to manage Christmas. At least, that’s the parents’ view.

For children of separated parents, this can be a very hard day. They are missing one of the two people they love most in the world. Half of what makes them whole is absent. It’s grief they can’t yet define.

Even though they are happy in moments throughout the day, their mind wanders frequently to what the other parent is doing. Here is some of what they want you to know.

I wonder if my other parent is okay.

I wonder who they are with.

Are they having fun?

What if they are alone?

Because even a child knows being alone on Christmas would be ‘just the worst thing ever’.

For these children, a big piece of what is most precious to them is missing on Christmas Day.

What they really want you to know is

Even though today is really fun with you, I also miss them too.

I love you both and it makes me sad to not see them.

I wish that I could see them today too.

If I am acting out, it’s because I don’t have the words I need to express myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or them. It means I am sad inside.

In most cases, there are ways you can improve co-parenting at Christmas so your children truly have the best possible day.

Share the day

Even if you can only arrange an hour, please share the day with the other parent. There is nothing more heartbreaking than knowing someone you love is nearby but you can’t speak to them. Let them spend time together so they can exchange presents and be a part of each other’s happiness. No matter your past disagreements, Christmas is about the kids and this will mean the world to them.

Buy a present for the other parent

Take your child shopping to buy a thoughtful present for their other parent. It matters to them that you are resilient enough to put your differences aside. Help them wrap it and make it beautiful and special.

Include them in the day

If you are a distance away, you can still include the other parent. Facilitate a FaceTime call – or even a couple of times in the day. Ask your child if they would like to save some storable food or treats for their other parent so when they do see them they will be able to share some of those memories.

Remember your child’s extended family

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousin’s all make up an important part of your child’s happiness. Facilitate a call with them so they can say Merry Christmas to them too.

Be happy for them when they talk about their other parent

This one applies year-round, but it’s a good reminder at Christmas to stay focused on positive communication regarding your co-parent. Encourage them to be excited for their shared time and to make the most of every opportunity. They will thank you for it in the years to come.

These are little gestures which go a long way to your child having ‘the best Christmas ever’. And we all want that for our children.

Make this a truly merry and memorable Christmas.

For help with parenting after separation please see the parenting course website or contact Jasmin

Activities for engaging your children online

Often the non-resident parent (be that for a week, or extended period) will report having difficulty in engaging children online. Phone calls, Skype and Facetime are all wonderful ways to interact. But how do you keep them interested?

Firstly, I think it’s important to acknowledge that online engagement can be both necessary and sometimes the only means of contact for a long period. This not only applies to separated parents but also Defence personnel on deployment, FIFO parents, etc. It’s hard, but it’s survivable.

Many parents of young children report their children are disinterested or seem distracted. They may have 20 minutes allocated but it’s hard to keep the attention of a small child for that long unless you’re doing an activity with them.

Here are some tips and suggestions I give often to parents of young children. Remember that some activities may be trial and error.

Read a storybook

Just as you used to do at bedtime, children still love for you to read stories to them. Pick a few books and have them nearby. You can turn the pages to face the screen and read as you go. They will probably remember some of the sounds, or words and might even join in.

Make them a gift

Get yourself some craft supplies and while on your Skype call, ask your child for input into what you are making for them. For instance, if you’re making a stick figure doll (paddle pop sticks, glue, coloured cotton wool, buttons) – then invite them to choose the colours, fabric or tools you use to create it. These can all be purchased cheaply at a $2 shop or similar.

When it’s done and if possible, send it to them. Or tell them you’ll keep it in a safe place for when you next see them.

Draw a picture

Using an A4 notepad, ask them a topic of something they like. It might be an animal, a farm, a house – whatever comes to their mind. Invite them to give you feedback as you draw. Which colour green? Where should I put the sun? What’s goes on top of the hill? Are there clouds?

PS. You don’t have to be Picasso! Remember, this is not a test – it’s fun for you and your children.

Play a song

Bring out the smiles with a favourite song from one of their favourite characters, kids bands, or movies. Yeah, you’ll be singing along to Frozen in no time!

If you’re musical, play or sing them something yourself. Just aim to choose a song that is a favourite of theirs.

Play a memory game

Okay, so this isn’t like the cards memory game (although if you’re clever you could try that too. Here’s what I mean:

You start by saying, let’s play a memory game! “I remember the time we went to the Gold Coast on holidays”. Then it’s their turn. “Oh yeah, I remember when we went to movie world!” Your next turn “I remember the day you were born and we were at the hospital” Now, they aren’t going to remember that so prompt them with “What is your next favourite memory” and on it goes.

Write yourself some prompters and have them nearby. It’s okay to talk about the past when you were a family. It’s very positive for them to remember happy times.

Remember….

Children learn through repetition – and they enjoy it! So don’t be afraid to repeat the ones that work the best. You don’t need to reinvent yourself coming up with ideas for every time.

You’re doing your best and that’s fantastic. Every step forward is one less you have to take!